Shopping Survival Guide for Men: How a Man Can Survive a Shopping Experience Without Having to Gnaw His Own Arm Off, by Dan Van Oss
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Shopping Survival Guide for Men: How a Man Can Survive a Shopping Experience Without Having to Gnaw His Own Arm Off, by Dan Van Oss
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A frank and hilarious guide to every man’s mind-numbing nemesis: Shopping. Guys: spent one too many Saturdays marooned at The Mall? Rejuvenate your manhood with the Shopping Survival Guide for Men. This indispensable sanity-saver exposes the hidden history and insidious psychology of shopping (Hint: it’s crazy), plus cool-headedly guides you through the treacherous, credit card-melting mazes of: * Shoes: “If you've ever been in the shoe section of any major department store, you now know what the gross national product of Belgium would look like if it consisted of footwear, which, for all I know about Belgium, it does.” * Makeup: “Egyptians used cochineal bugs to make red dye for their lips, and I don’t even care what ‘cochineal' means because the word ‘bugs' is after it.” * Prom Dress Shopping: “Like most men, all you know about prom dresses is that they are more expensive than a good set of tires.” * Fashion Terminology: “Puckered Bodice: A banned professional wrestling move involving a lemon, a folding chair, and a car battery.” * Shopping History: “1687: Isaac Newton develops the law of universal gravity after his wife’s shoe rack collapses on him.” Melding together the whimsical wit of Douglas Adams, the laugh-out-loud narratives of Dave Barry, and the pop-culture cleverness of James Lileks, Dan Van Oss crafts a fresh and funny guide for any man who’s ever been trapped in the Seventh Circle of Dillard’s. * Learn about the Five Stages of Shopping Grief: “(Stage Four - Depression. That's it. I'm going to die here, right here by this bored-looking, no-armed mannequin with a size zero waist wearing something that looks like it was sneezed out of Barbie's closet.”) * Get tips on how to avoid shopping on Black Friday (“Hit yourself on the head with the Shiatsu Neck Massager with the Kung Fu Grip your wife bought for 75% off at last year's Black Friday sale, and pretend you no longer speak your native language.”) * Identify the “Shopping Bends” (“...where the male body attempts to compensate for the relative drop in logic and bank account levels, and the corresponding increase in estrogen levels, by trying to die.”) Comical bonus quizzes (“Shoe Brand, Kentucky Derby Horse or Hipster Band Name?”) help you pass the time until you’re asked to haul the bags out to the minivan. Don’t get dragged to The Mall without it!
Shopping Survival Guide for Men: How a Man Can Survive a Shopping Experience Without Having to Gnaw His Own Arm Off, by Dan Van Oss- Amazon Sales Rank: #1495331 in Books
- Published on: 2015-03-02
- Original language: English
- Dimensions: 8.00" h x .39" w x 5.25" l,
- Binding: Paperback
- 154 pages
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Most helpful customer reviews
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful. Dave Berry meet Ray Romano in this quick witted satire on shopping By Brian Shopping Survival Guide is a humor book written for men who are dating or married to the girl who loves to shop. Luckily I am not one of these guys, but I was at one point. It is full of funny tidbits on how to get through and the “history” of shopping.The narration was done very well by Johnny Heller. He uses his tone to conjure up the humor that is written, and allows the reader to feel like he is getting his money worth while listening to this. The book is short, but there were no issues in production quality at all.This is one of those books you could listen to while you and your shopaholic other half were out… shopping of course. It’s a quick 2.5-hour audiobook that doesn’t leave much to the imagination.Starting off the author explains his reasoning behind writing this book, and explains the way it’s going to go. It’s a pretty simple and easy to follow book. But, I’m glad that I got the audiobook, humor books always have a little more to them when they are read. Normally I’m listening to a memoir by a comedian read by the comedian, but this was similar enough that I enjoyed it.This book will not be for everyone, it’s funny, short and to the point. The stories and tales from within conjure up a good chuckle of days past when I was dating a girl who just loved to shop. She would spend a hobo’s money if she could (I don’t miss her at all, can you tell).Needless to say, Van Oss’s writing style reminds me of a Dave Berry and a little bit of Ray Romano. It was a quick painless read that helped me get through this week. Now... off to go shopping! Just kidding.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful. Review of Shopping Survival Guide for Men By Dayna Leigh Cheser In one word, hysterical.I chuckled and outright laughed my way through this book, and even read selected passages aloud to my husband – who, lucky for me, doesn’t mind shopping at all.While not a ‘survival’ guide (as you might get from Homeland Security or The Sierra Club), it does poke some serious fun at the ‘art’ of shopping, covering everything from getting roped into going shopping, to navigating the various sections of a department store including terms to remember, to the trip back home … plus returns and more shopping. The author offers specifics for each section (with special attention to the shoe department), and even provides quizzes to make sure you’re learning what you need to know (answers provided).It’s humorous - well, OK … it’s downright funny - with abundant use of double-meaning words, and even made-up words. It made me think of Norm Crosby (the ‘Master of Malaprop’), the stand-up comedian whose fractured English conversations who entertained us for many years.If you have friends or family where the husband would do almost anything to get out of going shopping, but gets dragged along anyway (to carry the bags and ‘watch the purse’, among other things), this would make an excellent fun gift – both the husband and wife will see shopping in a whole different light.I enjoyed this ‘change of pace’ book, but found that the very reason it’s so funny and entertaining is the reason why I’m only giving the book 4-stars – The misuse and fracturing of the English language makes it sometimes difficult to read.By Dayna Leigh Cheser, Author
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful. Oh So Sad, but Oh so TRUE! By Amazon Customer A male centered view of women shopping, by a man who has no other choice but to go into the vast mental desert of the shopping mall. Terrifying but humorous all the way!
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